At my very first API meeting, I got a handout of a crappy hand drawn roller coaster meant to represent the ups and downs of studying abroad. First you get there and you are happy and excited, then you plummet, then you're happy again, then you hate everyone, then you go home. I thought it was complete bullshit, especially because I'm only here for a month. I'm pretty sure I threw it away.
So wrong. I have had so many ups and downs since I've been here. I was super excited for the first few days, and then at some point I just plummeted and got so frustrated with not being able to speak the language and understand my classmates and my professor and just being away from home, and it was so hard for a few days. It was on its way back up until around today I guess, which was definitely one of my lowest points on the roller coaster. I woke up in such pain this morning I didn't want to get out of bed, but I have my final tomorrow so I had to go to class. My head was throbbing the entire way there. I was so sick and irritable in my morning class. Every little thing really got to me, and I was getting so frustrated with not being able to understand the activities that we were doing, which just made it harder for me to figure out what was going on. My professor asked me a question that I didn't know the answer to and she just kept pushing me and pushing me to give her the right answer, but I had no idea and I just wanted to start crying. It was so frustrating to me for some reason and I kept trying to tell myself that I'm in college and not know the answer shouldn't frustrate me so much but I just couldn't help it.
Then in my afternoon class my sickness really really got to me. The room was so hot that it was making me even sicker, and I had to leave a couple of times because I thought I was going to throw up. I just couldn't focus and I couldn't understand anything that anyone was saying to me and I could barely participate in the activity we were doing. My head was still throbbing and at one point my vision was going blurry and I felt like I was outside of my body. I was in so much pain I started crying, even though I was trying so hard not to, which just made it worse. My professor was really concerned about me, he kept asking me if I needed to leave and he gave me his phone number in case I couldn't make it home ok.
After class I heard that another girl from my school had gone home after throwing up during class, and another girl told me that she had felt the exact same way yesterday, which leads me to believe that we are all at the same stage on the roller coaster of culture shock. It's just one of the worst feelings in the world feeling this bad mentally and physically and being so far away from home and anyone who can do anything about it, which makes the feeling even worse.
My mom is coming on Thursday though and I don't want her to know that I'm having such a hard time as of recently and ruin her vacation. I'd also like to say right now that she wants to go to Versailles, which is probably one of the most overrated sites in France (worse than the Mona Lisa), and I will not be returning. Once is enough.
In a week and two days I'll be on a flight back to Boston and I'll regret wasting any of my time here on being homesick or actually sick or frustrated and stressed out in class, but for now I just kind of wish I was in my own bead.
2 comments:
I wish you luck. Dont be so hard on yourself. It is all natural. You have to let yourself go through it and be patient with how you feel. But like I said, good luck! Many others have been through it and gotten to the "other side" :)
Only a week and a bit to go? I thought you were staying longer. Homesickness is normal don't get too angry with yourself, although I know that's easier said than done haha. Enjoy the time you have left there!!
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